Dear John,

How can I stop maeself being sae sexy? I'm just tae damn hot for mae own good. Last week, mae own father asked if he could rub his wang against me hot white ass.

I cannae help being stunning, but I'm afraid I've brought a lottae this on maeself. Shortly after "I Don't Want A Lover" announced mae tae the world as ae star, I discovered mae clitoris for the furst time - mae father had kept it hidden from mae in ae whisky jar under mae mother. It was the way of working class Scotland.

Anyway, once I'd given it ae few tickles, the transfaemation was astonishing. I turned all sexy overnight, a bit like Kylie after she's been fucked stupid by Michael Hutchence. And in came all those breathy vocals, the on-stage sexual simulation with gangstae rappers; aye, us Highland Lassies are not afeared of sex like the Sassenachs.

It's gone tae far now, though. I only ever dae intaeviews in women's magazines and Marie Claire has politeley requested that I refrain from having a giant dildae on stage during mae next tour. Cos they're sponsoring it, like.

Well, I use the word 'tour' loosely. It's the usual series of Arena dates and Pretend Festivals. Aye, touring is fae third rate Indie Schmindie fey white sexless English piffle peddlers, not us rabid Celtic sexbastard blacksouled superstars. Och aye the noo, Jimmae, aye, ja wanna Glasgae kiss? Aye? Aye?

Please advise me how I can stap the raw sexuality oozing fram every pore of mae body. Should I retire, to allow the male population ae Britain tae get sam rest? Maybe if I'm outtae the public eye - I nearly wrote 'pubic' then, I'm so rude! - they'll be able tae stap wanking over me all day?

Then again, John, you're kindae sexy. You have a Celtic (and therefore not just black, but black American) soul. I know yae wannae shag me, yae're only human. Yae do, don't yae?

Aye, aye, yae wannae shag mae teeth oot, don't yae, aye! Gi'in tae your Aunty Sharleen, yae Celtic Cock Wiedling Beast!

Aye!

Shraleen Spiteri, out of Taxas, Notting Hill Gate

I have never known a person more in love with themselves with so little justification. Apart from Jamie Oliver. Or Jeremy Clarkson. Or Bono. Anyway, just how did you come by this amazing arrogance? You look like a little boy - I can imagine you playing one of the kids in "Whistle Down The Wind" - and you make music for people who don't like music. Your fans just hum the tunes at work, safe in the knowledge that their colleagues will say, "Oh, they're great aren't they? Shall we organise a Social Committe trip to see them?", and thus bask in the glow of social acceptance.

And Sharleen, love, I can't think of a single man on the planet who thinks you are "sexy" (whatever that means) so just shut up, okay?

You're embarrassing yaeself.
-JL